Age 8-I started learning to play the violin, had private lessons and by the age of 10 the decision was made,all I wanted to do with my life was play the violin. This meant hours of practice and little else. School work was considered irrelevant to my career.
I had a social life,centred around other kids learning to play. Every weekend was taken up with youth orchestra and I loved it. However, I hated school,in fact I was frightened of it .
I definitely wasn’t good enough in that environment because I never did any work.
I can’t remember who decided this but I was working towards becoming a soloist-playing concertos all around the world,something my violin teacher felt that he should have done.
I had a very determined mother and I grew up believing that playing in a professional orchestra just wouldn’t be good enough. She believed that I was better than that.
For 3 or 4 years (I can’t remember quite how many) I went in for local competitions. I would have been around 12 when I started . There were 3 every year-Leicestershire,Nottinghamshire and Derbyshire. I was entered into usually,a couple of different categories in each competition,under 14’s and under 18’s. Everything had to be memorised because soloists don’t usually have music. I still  remember but am not triggered by anymore the fear before going on stage,the bodily reactions,sweating,raised heart beat and others which I won’t mention!
There was one time when I dropped my bow,the piece had very fast notes (semi quavers) and I was gripping on to my bow for dear life. I literally lost the feeling in my hand and dropped the bow. I’m sure that you can imagine my embarrassment,disappointment in myself and shame.
I was always very successful as a big fish in a small pond BUT then I went to The Royal college of music where I studied for 3 years and discovered that I was now a small fish in a big pond. I was advised by my teacher not to join any orchestra’s as they would wreck my playing.
I started a relationship with someone who was very controlling and manipulative (remind you of anyone ?). He “persuaded “ me to give up the violin and I put it in a wardrobe for 5 years.
Of course it was beneath me to join a professional orchestra as a career but I wasn’t qualified to do anything else-I have 2 o levels to my name-English language and music.
I finished college and worked for 2 and 1/2 years for Marks and Spencer and the same for Reed employment. I always had drive and ambition so I did well in both companies.
Eventually I left the destructive relationship I was in and went back home to live with my parents. I started to play again and joined a few amateur orchestras whilst having lessons with my teacher from college.
I had a part time job as a pick up truck driver which I loved,it meant that I could practice for 3 hours every day. I had a lot of hard work to put in. I got to a point of realising that I had to put more hours of practice in if I wanted to be a professional violinist. I gave up the driving job and earned a bit of money working in a squash club bar in the evenings.
After about a year, I started auditioning for jobs. I still remember opening the letter that told me I had a trial with the BBC Philharmonic Orchestra in Manchester. I couldn’t believe it.
I was offered a job in the 1st violins and loved it,I stayed for 5 years. Soon after starting, felt the doubts creep in,that negative self talk-all the what ifs.
What if they regretted giving me the job.
What if I wasn’t really good enough.
What if I dropped the bow in the middle of a concert.
These feelings escalated and became full blown Stage Fright. I’ll talk about that later.

I was always ambitious-needed to prove that I was good enough.
After 5 years in the BBC Phil I got offered 2 jobs-Principal 2nd in Opera North and No 4 1st violins in the BBC Scottish symphony orchestra. It was a difficult decision but I chose Opera North.
Funny how one decision changes the rest of your life,it would be fun to have another go and see where life would have taken me. Anyway I digress!
I’d come from a job where the repertoire changed every week to a job where you would just be working on maybe 2 operas in a season and I missed the constant change,so a year later I applied for and got the Assistant Principal 2nd violin job in the BBC National orchestra of Wales . I stayed for a very happy 31 years .Well apart from the Stage Fright!
The BBC had a fund for helping people with various physical and mental issues and I had 5 sessions of CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) It didn’t make any difference,5 just wouldn’t have been enough. What a shame I didn’t know about EFT (more about that later) I tried quite a few sessions of hypnotherapy and learned the art of self hypnosis,very calming but not so useful as a tool to use just before going on stage with around 80 musicians milling around in an often cramped space.
I gave up on the idea of it ever going and carried on taking Beta blockers (you’d be surprised how many musicians take them) just “getting through “each performance.
My right thumb by now had arthritis from the tension of just holding the bow and I couldn’t see my career lasting much longer. That was nearly 20 years ago by the way and I’m still playing,the arthritis is much less now.
Of course not every moment of every concert was stressful,it depended on the music and the venue. Usually the 1st piece caused anxiety,it felt like I was getting used to being on stage. You’d think that after 20 years,I’d have got used to it but it was as if every concert was the 1st time. Very depressing ,exhausting and not great for your self esteem.

Finally,here comes the good news!
You don’t need to live with it.
EFT(emotional freedom technique) cured me of Stage Fright. Here’s how ;
One day a friend of mine asked me if I would have a few sessions of EFT with him. He had just completed his training and needed 50 case studies in order to get his certification.
In the 1st session I didn’t bring up my stage fright-why would I,it was so much a part of me that I couldn’t imagine that any therapy would work. Especially something as weird as “Tapping “on your face and upper body.
Well it turns out that when you tap on specific points known as acupressure or end meridian points,it sends a signal to the Amygdala,situated in the limbic system (the emotional part of the brain)to calm the nervous system down .It lessens the amount of cortisol that gets released when you’re anxious or stressed.
When you add in talk therapy then you have something very powerful.
I like to call it Tapping into your own power.
It enables you to look and talk about whatever is concerning you whilst being in a state of calmness and peace. It reduces and over time eliminates the negative emotions that surround it.
It’s a very gentle technique and over a period of about 4 months,I was able to come off the Beta blockers and perform without any Stage Fright.
My performance anxiety had built up right from the age of 10 when I was told that I could be one of the top soloists. Imagine the pressure that put on me-if I wasn’t perfect then I wasn’t good enough. That belief snowballed through my childhood and into my adulthood.
Of course if we’re being chased by a tiger then we need that flight response,but not if we’re sitting on a stage,playing lovely music to an audience who have only come out for an enjoyable evening,not to criticise and judge !
It’s about 18 years since I suffered from Stage Fright and it’s now such a joy to be able to enjoy what I love doing.
I’m also an amateur actress,something I could never have imagined doing all those years ago.

My vision is to help everyone overcome this debilitating state.
If I can do it,then anyone can.